marriage · postpartum

Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby!

Just in time for Valentine’s day, I thought I’d repost an oldie but goodie all about that good ole postpartum sexy time. Just kidding there is nothing remotely sexy about it. Take note significant others, she wants sleep, not your penis. And here’s why…

Sex after baby. It’s one of those things people don’t talk about. They just send you on your merry way and don’t say btw, that shit hurts like a mofo the first time. Really they don’t tell you much of anything related to intimacy and your marriage. No one warns you about the shit show your relationship is about to endure. You’re just supposed to keep a human alive while also staying in a committed, loving partnership, but what’s really going down is you are sleep deprived and a complete basket case of hormones who sometimes has a desire to fruit ninja your sweet loving husband in the balls. You barely have time to talk to each other in complete sentences let alone consider how the eff to get funky on a Friday night.

But don’t fret, it doesn’t stay that way forever. Things do get better and you find a groove again, but until then, it can certainly help to put all that crazy shit on the table and talk about sex, baby! My kick ass friend Jenny of Princess Turned Mom had the brilliant idea to talk about the taboo. To normalize the struggles we face and then talk about ways we can bring that passion back into our marriage. Hang out with me a bit longer as I discuss all the ways the mood might fade and then be sure to head on over to Jenny’s blog to read more on how the hell to get back on track in the sack!

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BTW, This is Jenny and her hubby in real life. Um, can someone say #relationshipgoals?
So come on mamas, let’s talk about sex, or more like all the reasons we are NOT having sex…

Here are a few good reasons your mood might get crushed faster than a cheerio on the kitchen floor:

  1. Your hemorrhoids itch.
  2. The thought of sleeping turns you on more than your husband does.
  3. During foreplay your husband nibbles on your breast and milk squirts in his eyeball.
  4. Wait, who has time for foreplay?
  5. Speaking of foreplay, sometimes your husband tries to touch you and you throw up a little in your mouth. The thing is tiny humans don’t know shit about boundaries and have basically been holding your body hostage since 2012.
  6. Postpartum periods are a bitch.
  7. The toddler is screaming from his room cause his sock feels funny.
  8. The baby is screaming for the milk you wasted in your husband’s eyeball.
  9. You climb on top and notice your boobs look like tennis balls in tube socks.
  10. The thought of procreating for a third time paralyzes you with fear.
  11. You can’t keep pretending like it feels good.
  12. You sneeze and pee comes out.
  13. You hear tiny footsteps on the stairs.
  14. You’re just about to climax when you remember you signed up to bring cookies to the bake sale.
  15. Your husband tries to motor boat you.
  16. You keep hearing phantom baby cries.
  17. Your husband flips you over and you almost get murdered by a Lego.
  18. You remember what morning sickness feels like.
  19. You fall asleep during that mystical foreplay.
  20. All you can think about is how unattractive you feel.
  21. 3 words: Hand. Foot. Mouth.
  22. Your husband starts making out with you and then reminds you that maybe you forgot to brush your teeth today.
  23. You’re constipated.
  24. The dog farts.
  25. Did I mention negative sleep yet?
  26. Hormones made your vagina dry up.
  27. You don’t want to get dirty cause you showered for the first time in 3 days.
  28. Sweat pants and John Snow sound like more fun.

Am I right ladies? I can’t be the only one, right??? Well actually I know I’m not the only one cause I may or may not have gotten some help with this list from some of my besties  🙂

But look, more important than all those mood killers is how the eff we can get back to feeling frisky. Parenthood is awesome (and exhausting), but I think we all miss the partnership we used to have. That’s why you should head on over to Jenny’s post now to read some of her brilliant ideas on how to rekindle that flame. And also, I wasn’t kidding. That’s real life Jenny and her real life hubby frolicking in the sand up there. Here’s what me and my hubby look like near the beach:


5 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby!

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