So this week I had to call 911 for the first time in my existence as a mother. Don’t worry, everyone is alive and well and it wasn’t the most terrifying of emergencies, but it did make me sweat a few buckets. Girlfriend thought it would be amusing to lock her and brother in the bathroom. That’s right, sister turned all velociraptor on me and learned how to turn a lock. Fuck. Me.
After lots of unsuccessful coaxing and multiple failed attempts at breaking into my own bathroom with a coat hanger, I had to call for backup. Six strapping men came rushing through our door to save the day. The silver lining is this taught my tiny humans what NOT to do in the future, right? Wrong. Those really attractive heroes gave my kids effing stickers and high fives. Nice work boys. We’ll see you tomorrow I guess.
Once I came through the other side of my panic attack, the guilt sank in. I was sure CPS would show up at my door at any moment. Especially considering the firemen not only had to free my children from a room with water for drowning, but also because they opened the door to find one kid wearing nothing but peanut butter on his face and the other wearing my bra and some wet toilet paper. Did I mention I was wearing Christmas pajamas?
I spent half the day muddled with mom guilt, but then I got a grip and said eff this noise. I’m not a bad mom. Kids are fucking crazy asses and shit happens. Which got me to thinking about all those people without kids and the really, really dumb notion they have that their future spawn will never do anything crazy. *insert maniacal laughter here*
So here you go judgmental adults who don’t know jack about the insanity of tiny humans, this list is for you.
Crazy shit kids do:
They run away from you: It’s seems physically impossible that a tiny human could out run you, I mean their legs are like 12 inches long, but trust me, those effers are fast. And don’t bother saying anything like “no sweetheart, parking lots are dangerous” cause then they turn turbo and start levitating to the moon or some shit. Just go ahead and buy a leash now. Yes, they make baby leashes.
They hide from you/lock doors: As if running from you at Forest Gump speed wasn’t enough, then they go and hide from you. After our bathroom fiasco we contemplated turning the knobs around so the lock was on the outside, but then I had visions of girlfriend locking ME INSIDE the bathroom without a phone or window to escape from. No bueno. But seriously, hide and seek is a terrible life lesson. Don’t do it. Cause before you know it, your kid has escaped the dressing room and you are the parent peeking under all the doors in your underwear trying to find the Houdini child you birthed.
They take off their clothes/shoes: You think diapers are expensive? Wait until you start blowing cold hard cash on itty bitty pieces of fabric they grow out of in two seconds and/or spew shit stains all over. Turns out you don’t even need to buy them clothes though cause A). they only want to wear a Buzz Light year costume or B). they wanna live that nudist life. So next time you see a kid barefoot in a restaurant, maybe don’t assume her parents are terrible. Her parents really, really want their kid to wear shoes, but they also just want to eat their effing dinner before it turns to ice. Parents tend to pick their battles and dirty feet are nothing compared to a public tantrum. See more below.
They have unexplainable tantrums: I once googled “will my threenager be an asshole forever?”. Apparently the answer is no, but until that day comes, your kid will flip his shit when you do what he wants or you don’t do what he wants, it doesn’t really matter cause well, you exist. My ladies Abbie and Shaunacey got lots of juicy good info on this topic over on their #whatmomsgoogle series. You might wanna archive that shit cause one day you’ll be at Costco and hand your kid the yogurt sample they asked for when all of a sudden they turn into Satan and you need to remember how to deep breathe right quick.
They climb all the things: Basically if it’s high enough that they can fall off it and die, then they want to climb it. My kids personal favorites are couches, fridges, and restaurant tables. “Just tell them to sit still”, all the naïve adults without children say. Give them some crayons, that will keep them quiet. If crayons and silence are involved, that means my kid is currently chewing the entire rainbow. And when I catch her gnawing on blue, she’s gonna high tail it across the restaurant like the Tazmanian devil on speed.
They put everything in their mouth: Especially if it is not edible (crayons) and/or can kill them (dishwashing detergent). This also applies to anything on a public restroom floor, ya know like the drain. Those are yummy.
Speaking of putting things in your mouth, let’s talk about eating: Oh my kid will only eat homegrown organic vegetables from a fairy gypsy garden. They will never eat sugar or microwave popcorn. That was sarcasm for anyone not on planet Alexis. Of all the crazy shit kids do, this is the main one I said I will never do. I pureed the shit outta some spinach and sweet potatoes. I vowed never to buy hot dogs or fast food. Today my kids eat goldfish off the floor of the minivan and we call that a successful dinner.
I could probably keep going forever, but I think you get my gist. Kids are nuts. They do crazy shit at lightning speed and there’s not one single parent in the universe that can have eyes on them every single second. No, not even at the zoo. The moment they become mobile, they will spend every minute finding a new way to try and kill themselves. So stop judging us, our job is hard enough without your commentary. But even if you do, don’t worry, your time will come. *insert more evil laughter*