sick kids · stomach bug · toddlers

50 Stages of a Toddler Stomach Bug

The truth is stages 49 and 50 never actually happened in Casa de Edwards, but that’s how I envisioned our week ending. Thankfully we’ve been spared the wrath of dudes stomach bug (knock on wood) and instead have been treated with a nice snotpocalypse to finish out the week. That means my poor baby girl can’t breathe, gags on phlegm, and wakes up each morning with hair glued to her face by snot. Oh wait, I do too. Good times.

no sick days for moms


But for reals people, this is day five of tiny humans crying and whining and spraying bodily fluids in my face. I’m over it and I miss sunshine. So what’s a mama to do after a week of sickness? Blog about it of course. So here it is people, the 50 stages of a toddler stomach bug. You’re welcome.

  1. Toddler wakes from nap a crying, sticky hot mess.
  2. Check temp. 102. Fuck.
  3. Baby wakes from her nap.
  4. Put toddler down to get baby.
  5. Toddler screams at the top of his lungs “Nooooooo mama! No baby! Hold MEEEEE mama!”
  6. Pick up toddler. Attempt to pick up baby one-handed.
  7. Toddler pukes his insides all over everyone.
  8. Stand there in shock.
  9. Get everyone naked.
  10. Call husband. Yell at him to come home.
  11. Somehow by the grace of God sanitize everyone and calm their tears.
  12. Distract baby with toys in the play yard. Distract toddler with Mickey Mouse in your bed.
  13. Put everything the puke touched in the washing machine.
  14. Wash hands. Spray everything the puke touched with Lysol.
  15. Toddler starts screaming again.
  16. Run into bedroom to find he puked. Again. On your comforter.
  17. Get toddler naked again. This time keep him naked you idiot.
  18. Strip bed. Throw puke infested bedding into laundry room.
  19. Baby starts crying.
  20. Shit, you were supposed to nurse her 20 minutes ago.
  21. Wash your hands.
  22. Lysol your nursing pillow just for good measure.
  23. Distract toddler with some ice chips and Finding Nemo. This time on the couch with a towel underneath him.
  24. Nurse baby while simultaneously calling nurse line and texting husband to find out where the hell he is.
  25. Nurse recommends making an appointment. Oh this should be fun.
  26. Husband walks through the door. Thank you Jesus.
  27. Husband cuddles whiney toddler so you can finish nursing baby.
  28. Rotate pukey laundry from washer to dryer and floor to washer.
  29. Spray more things with Lysol.
  30. Husband brings you toddler cause he’s been saying “where are you mama?” for the last 3.5 minutes.
  31. As soon as husband transfers him to your arms…puke. On you, not husband. On your chin, your ponytail, even some drips into your shoes.
  32. Everyone is naked again. Even your husband takes his clothes off just in case.
  33. More sanitizing. More laundry.
  34. Somehow manage to get toddler to sit in car seat. He throws the towel you put on his lap out the door.
  35. He refuses to let you strap him in. Rotates between being a limp noodle and a stiff rod.
  36. Stupidly distract him with iPad so you can buckle him the fuck in.
  37. Start driving. 1.2 miles later. Puke. Goodbye iPad.
  38. Keep driving. It was a miracle you strapped him in to begin with.
  39. Arrive at pediatrician’s office. Use a whole pack of wipes to clean up.
  40. Do a happy dance when you find an extra set of clothes in the back seat.
  41. See doctor. He says what you already knew, except he gets $150 to say it. Dude has a stomach virus.
  42. Drive home. Somehow make it there without a puke attack.
  43. Rotate laundry again. Lysol even more things.
  44. Go hide in the bathroom for 3.7 minutes. Dream of pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.
  45. Repeat steps 31-33 for the next 24 hours.
  46. Pukes are over. Unfortunately clingy, whiney, feverish toddler is not.
  47. Good news is fever makes toddler sleep more than usual.
  48. Bad news is after toddler sleeps 15 hours straight, you freak your shit and wonder if instead of sleeping, he’s in fact not breathing.
  49. The next day, high-five husband for surviving 48 hours without anyone else getting sick. Oh shit, he’s running to the bathroom. Yep, definitely just spewed the goo.
  50. Consider booking a hotel for you and baby until this pukepocalypse comes to an end. Just don’t forget to pack the vino.

sick and tired meme

4 thoughts on “50 Stages of a Toddler Stomach Bug

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